By Mary Gesare
Published May 31, 2009
Most marriage failures are courtship failures. Hunting for love never brings the right partner; it only creates longing and unhappiness. Love may come when we least expect it, MARY GESARE contends, but we need not settle for anybody just to have someone.
Many youth enter marriage little more prepared for it. They have this illusion that marriage is full of happiness and love. They do not have an inkling that passion at high tide fades away faster than they know. They think that they’ve found the solution to their problems. What many people don’t know is that there is no short-cut in life and finding a permanent cure to a problem in its early stages is better than waiting till it becomes difficult to tackle.
“I ran away from home to live with my boyfriend who was at the moment staying alone. I thought that by living with him I would get all the freedom that my parents denied me but that was only to remain a thought. My marriage came to an end sooner than I thought: I got pregnant and was shown the way out of his house. Going back home was my last choice,” says Meg Kim.
Given a chance to change her past, a close friend of mine would like to be single again and instead complete her college education to become a useful person to society.
Why do so many marriages fail these days?
It is because many do it out for wrong intentions. A 22-year-old woman I know confesses that she would like to get married to an old, ailing, but financially stable man who would soon die and leave her with the inheritance.
Money-driven or gold-digging women are known to hasten the death of their spouses just to inherit their wealth. Money is what counts these days; gone are the days when people married without thinking of their spouses “size of pocket”.
What are your standards of an ideal man?
“The inner being of the man” says Angie. “Looks don’t equal personality, you might be an angel from the outward appearance and at the same time a devil inside.”
Linda says, “I judge them from their looks, clothes, whether one is driving or not and the type of mobile phone the man uses; you can’t pull out a Motorola C113 and expect me to give you my number!”
Choosing to have children is another task which many couples don’t know how to handle. Kids need attention which very many people are not prepared to give.
In the traditional African society, children were seen as a source of blessings and wealth, unlike today when many young parents see them as a burden and even the cause of poverty. That’s why we have very many cases of unplanned pregnancies, abortion and marriage disagreements which end in separation and divorce.
Marriage can be a source of happiness or sadness depending on how you view it. These are the days when most married people wish that marriage was a contract which has an expiry date to relieve someone out of problems associated with married life.
“If you are a teenager don’t run into marriage as an escapist route. Take your time while it is still available. Enjoy your youth not forgetting that youth is not to live in immorality but the power to discover and explore life in its fullest,” says a counseling psychologist.Â “Commit yourself to marrying only when you are ready to settle down.”
If you decide to get married and go out, rave or spend time with your friends, then you are out for a surprise. Babies don’t walk before they crawl because they will still crawl no matter how many years they take.
The youth shouldn’t rush into adult roles. Waiting till the right moment doesn’t harm anyone; instead it builds your knowledge and simply gives you the time you need to be truly ready to take that serious step of tying the knot.
Money and looks should never be given the first priority concerning a marriage mate, after all success in relationships consists not only in finding the right mate but also being the right mate yourself.