By Ogova Ondego
Published January 26, 2021
“Grace, please forgive me. I have no intention of breaking your marriage,” a woman calling another through a live radio show, says.
It is two years after she slept with her bosom friend’s husband, the woman identified as Nancy says on the Ukweli Usemwe (Truth be Told) programme that is presented by Alex Mwakideu on Nairobi’s Milele FM station. She says she wants to get the matter off her chest. Though the man had pursued her even before he wedded Grace, her best friend, she had been reluctant to give in to his advances till after the wedding in which she had played a crucial part.
“This happened after the wedding in our moment of weakness,” she says, reiterating that it happened ‘only once’ and that she no longer sees or wants to see him as she has ‘blocked him’.
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In another incident Jane, whose efforts to fend off sexual advances from her boss seems to be failing, tells the husband about this office pest.
“But I was shocked beyond belief when he turned against me, accusing me of having played along and only talking after I had been dumped; that mine is a case of sour grapes,” she says, tears welling up in her eyes. “From then henceforth, I vowed that I would never confide in my husband.”
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Jane has now bought a piece of land and runs a secret bank savings account “just in case he walks out on me,” she says, disclosing that her husband has since taken to heavy drinking and not caring how the family fares.
“We women have been forced by circumstances to be secretive about our affairs. Through experience, we have learnt that being truthful always works against us,” she says.
A lawyer who was having a problem with a colleague shared the information with his wife hoping to offload but the woman used the same against him whenever they disagreed on anything.
“This is why you can’t get along with everyone,” she would say, accusingly, the lawyer says.
Rebecca, a clerk, says a husband and wife aren’t necessarily best friends and that this is why some of them hide things from their spouses, preferring to share them with their best friends.
“A wife or a husband could be supporting his or her relatives but does not want the partner to know about it. Some even keep secret savings accounts and other properties for their own use,” she says.
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When Mary married Peter she did not inform him that she had a child from a previous relationship.
“When I came to discover this,” Peter says, “I was hurt. She confessed she had hidden the information from me because she feared I wouldn’t accept her as she was.”
Elizabeth Adoyo says she has no secrets to keep away from her husband as “honesty in marriage is the best policy all the time, anywhere and in every relationship.”
She, however, says that men tend to be more secretive than women over matters to do with their past.
“Having married my husband at 22 after a long period of courtship, I don’t have any secrets over past relationships,” she says.
But if she had any secrets, would she have told her husband about them?
“Yes. I am such an open and honest person who cannot keep anything from my husband. If I try to be secretive with him, who else can I confide in? He is my best and closest friend and confidant,” she says.
Adoyo says some people feel if they can hide a few things from their spouses, the better for them.
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Alice says she maintains a savings account, purchases property and invests in her own name.
“I don’t have to inform my husband. He has his own money while I have mine. Why should my life be any business of his?”
“Whether to keep or reveal a secret to the husband depends on how you relate,” says Cecilia Kheseli. “Some women say that if they are raped they would keep it secret due to the stigma or having contracted infections like AIDS. I differ with them because keeping it a secret would lead to the death of the couple and the suffering of the children. There is no need to keep a secret savings account as my money is also my husband’s and his mine.”
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But Sadie Macharia says men will hardly ever disclose any career problems to their wives.
“They say women will not understand and so they either talk to their brothers or best male friends,” she says.
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Stephen, a teacher, argues that openness is always wrong as it may bring about discord in the family.
“For the sake of a happy marriage, a husband should keep certain things to himself. Don’t tell a woman everything as you never know what she could do with the information.”
But David Kimani differs, saying he will never hide anything from his wife.
“My wife is my best friend, confidant and lover. She and I are one body; we are partners in everything and there is no way one part of the body can hide things from the other,” he contends.
“The key to a successful marital relationship is to be open always. However the timing of telling the truth also matters,” says John Koech “It is always good to tell the truth but you have to do it at the most opportune moment. If you know something, for instance losing a million shillings to con artists, will shock your wife, then try to recover it quietly before informing her. The same applies to problems you may be going through at the work place. If you tell her too early, you may make her panic. So try your best to bring things under control before informing your wife,” he explains.
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“Few relationships would survive if two partners told each other 100 percent of the truth 100 percent of the time. But the more people can learn to share with their partners , the more trust and intimacy they’ll feel,” says Rodney J Shapiro, Director of Family Therapy Clinic at California Pacific Medical Centre in San Francisco, tells Readers Digest magazine.
Men will usually not tell their wives about the pain they may be going through because that would be bad for their ego, says a Nairobi marriage counselor.
“Men are supposed to be in control of everything and to never panic, worry or complain.”
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“Many men have a difficult time discussing their health fears,” says Vicky. “The other day my husband was going through a swollen finger which I only discovered when I touched it and he hissed, grimacing with pain. Upon asking why he did this he said he had been hurt but feared telling me because that would be unmanly and that he didn’t want me pressing him to go to hospital. Husbands are supposed to be strong, bearing pain stoically. They seem to believe that by so doing their wives will think highly of them.”
Money can be a taboo subject for most women.
“Even in the most honest and open relationships, women often won’t tell their husbands how much they spend. It is even more complicated if they earn more than their husbands. Women intuitively protect men. If a woman is doing well and her husband isn’t, he feels bad enough already. She’s worried about making him feel even worse” says Readers Digest.
So is there anything that should never be talked about in marriage?
Yes, says John Gichinga, a pastor and marriage counselor.
The Rev Gichinga, whose wife was clinical psychologist Emmy Mwenesi Gichinga for 32 years till her death in 2010, had told us that one should draw a line between professional and personal life.
Though both did marriage counseling, the Rev Gichinga said the couple didn’t share anything touching on their work as that would have been tantamount to ‘betraying professional confidence’ bestowed in them by their clients.
“If you are a civil servant and have taken oath to never reveal government secrets, then it would be wrong to divulge what information you come across to your spouse,” he says.
On the personal level, the Rev Gichinga says there are still certain things to keep from one’s spouse.
“As we are not yet in heaven, there will always be instances when a man is attracted to a woman. In case this happens to you, do you share it with your spouse as it could harm someone? However should you choose to talk about it, you should first weigh the consequences of doing so,” Gichinga told us during the time he served as Senior Pastor of Nairobi Baptist Church on Ngong Road.
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So is it all right for Nancy, who says she has grown up with Grace and that ‘nilisimamia ndoa yao, right in revealing to the latter that two years after Grace’s marriage that she, Nancy, had had a one night stand with her husband during her moment of weakness?
Alex Mwakideu, the presenter of the Ukweli Usemwe on Nairobi’s Milele FM Radio says the aim of the programme is to breed forgiveness, love and strengthen family bonds. From the reaction of Grace, it appears the programme may weaken, if not break, bonds among friends and families.
“Milele FM just wrecked someone’s marriage and friendship in its Great Betrayal programme titled Ukweli Usemwe. Ukweli in whose interest?” is what I said the moment I listened to the programme that is now online. “Usichunguze alacho kuku kama unataka kuendelea kumla.’
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