By Ogova Ondego
Published April 17, 2024
Before marriage, Jane and her husband Francis concentrated on pleasing each other. They were not just interested in each other but they were also interesting to each other.
To each other, they were the most thoughtful, considerate and helpful people. Whatever one liked, the other also liked. Time spent together was fun and it was almost difficult to pull away.
Today, with 13 years and four children to share, the couple say they have little in common other than sharing a bed.
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Jane complains, “Francis hardly ever goes near a theatre or a concert. He hardly ever notices my grooming let alone thank me for the culinary art he used to say was great. When I talk to him while he is watching soccer on television, he explodes, saying I should wait for a commercial break!”
On the other hand, Francis accuses Jane of having abandoned their shared interests among which was sports.
During a counselling session in Nairobi, Francis said Jane should be satisfied that he married her and is faithful to her.
“What else does she expect? She is accusing me of not being the same person she married 13 years ago. But neither is she!”
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To most people, romance is for them only if they are dating and not after marriage. And certainly not after the children have come and have to be brought up. That we are career people only complicates matters.
A typical day for most people consists of dropping and picking children from school, running to work, preparing meals, washing. In short, this looks like a drab day without appreciation or niceties. We just function mechanically. The relationship is devoid of romance.
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Betty and Peter say their date night is Friday.
“I get home early on this day, put the children to bed and then start preparing our favourite dish as Jane takes a relaxing bath,” says Peter.
“As I step out of the bath, he has a soft white robe awaiting me,” says Jane.
She is greeted with soft romantic music as she enters the cologne-scented dining room to find a well laid table .
Peter stands to offer her a seat.
They sit, dine, and talk, catching up with life that has managed to pass them by. They look into each other’s eyes and long for the night ahead.
Sounds too good to be true?
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But the lovers say it is the weekly ritual for them that has run for the past decade.
These days, says Jane, spouses are lucky if they even cross each other’s paths let alone have time to actually talk.
“This is why we have set aside Friday night to ourselves. And dare I add that it is the night when I fully appreciate my being a woman.”
Like Betty and Peter, many busy partners are now beginning to have ‘date night’ sessions to keep their romance burning, nurturing and protecting their relationship.
This is the time when they update each other on the week’s highlights, laughing at the funny ones and dealing with any serious problems that might be brewing.
To them, the date is too intimate to hide anything. But other couples never touch anything which could upset each other and spoil their time together.
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Lenore Buth, writer of How to Talk Confidently with Your Child About Sex says that it is unrealistic to sustain courtship levels of romance when immersed in the routine of living and raising a family.
Ben and Anne, married for 10 years with two children, say since the children came they realised they had no time for each other.
“We have set aside a day each week in which we send the children to bed early so we can be alone together. We light candles and have soft music in the background with lots of time to just sit and talk and dream together.”
They write notes to each other, buy each other gifts, and help each other with chores so that the other person can attend to other activities of interest.
The couple say they decided to wake up the romantic flames after their closest friends divorced.
Their little gestures to each other, they say, have rejuvenated their marriage.
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While it is advisable for a husband and wife to have a date with each other, other couples are also setting aside time to be with their children.
Says Linnet Awinja, a mother of two, “John is nine and misses the intimate one-to-one time we used to have before his three-year-old sister was born. I spend Wednesday afternoon alone with him, talking, playing cards and having tea and cookies.”
She says this will provide him with lingering memories as an adult and that he is likely to do the same with his wife and children.
“It is important that our children learn that relationships are too important to be taken lightly,” she says. “All around us families are crumbling left, right and centre. Our children should be made to realise that good relationships do not just come but that they are cultivated.”
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In today’s fast-paced life, says Omar Ali, we get so caught up in the day to day things that we often forget the ones who are closest to us-our spouses and children.
“There are times I just slow down to look at my family members and say good things to one another,” he says.
Experts on relationships advise that for couples to be close, they should share a hobby. As a relationship is cemented through doing things together, they could watch movies, attend church, visit museums or parks and leisurely drives in the countryside. They could even go off to a romantic break away where there is no distraction from family as they relive what brought them together in the first place. As they do things together, one thing they cannot help is talking with each other.
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But even without going out, experts recommend couples learn to touch each other whenever they can and not only at bedtime. They do well to embrace, hug and kiss each other as romance is in the imagination. They are advised to dress well for each other and use a little cologne or perfume to attract each other.
Keeping romance in marriage, Buth says, requires effort. He urges couples to touch each other as much as possible as this is a vital part of communication throughout life.
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Although he has been married for the past 10 years and has four children, Kijana says he still sets aside time when he goes out with his wife to discuss life and savour in the company of each other.
“We go to the coast when we can. If not we just go out to a romantic restaurant to have a meal and bask in love. I believe romance should not end with courtship and dating. It is an every day event to lovers who care about their relationship,” he says; romance is for all people irrespective of age.
