By Ogova Ondego
Published December 16, 2021
Though grown up children are expected to leave their parents’ home to pursue education, career or marriage opportunities, adult children in Nairobi Metropolitan Area are choosing to stay on at home. Some have gone to the extent of marrying and bringing their wives to live in the parental home.When they get their own children they begin filling up their parents’ nest rather than emptying it.
John, a 44-year-old accountant, is married with three children but he still lives in the same house with his parents.
Like John, Maina, 35, still lives at home where everything–cooking, laundry–is still done for him by domestic servants employed by his parents who don’t necessarily need any financial contribution from him.
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Twenty-four year old Maria Kambua does not think it is a good idea for grown up children to continue living with their parents as the latter may end up meddling in their lives.
“The nature of my job calls for lots of travelling. It would not be possible for me to live with my parents without having to account for my movements,” she says. “Anyone above 18 who can support himself should live alone.”
Saying she started living alone after school five years ago, Kambua says ‘parents who cling onto their children are doing them disservice as they are denying them the opportunity to learn how to be responsible’.
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Faith Wambui concurs, saying living alone teaches a young adult how to live responsibly.
“If I lead a sheltered life in which I am provided with everything, chances are I may never get to learn how to handle a family when I get married. Making decisions, parenting and budgeting may be a problem,” she says.
Kavinya Nzioki shares Wambui’s sentiments though she admits she would live with her parents and even seek support from them were they living in Nairobi. She however admits that one’s freedom to do as one wishes is curtailed if one stays with one’s parents.
“But this shouldn’t be taken to mean I want to live away from my parents as a license for misbehaving,” says 25-year-old Nzioki.
She says that many of her friends, though gainfully employed, still live with their parents.
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“Having been used to a certain standard of living since childhood, they don’t want to move out and live on their own in affordable but less affluent neighbourhoods; their dilemma is that they can’t live in their parents’ neighbourhoods without depending on them,” she says.
Maina, who lives in Muthaiga, agrees, saying his parents would not want to see him living in places like Umoja or Komarock high-denssity estates in eastern Nairobi (Eastlands) while they have a huge home all to themselves in Muthaiga. Maina is their only son while his three elder sisters are married and live away in their own homes.
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“While some well off parents may be unhappy with their offspring living in humble estates,” says a counselling psychologist, “others aren’t comfortable with the jobs their children are doing as they are not as well-paying as they would like them to.”
Hellen Atieno, a public relations executive, says that some over-protective parents always view their children, no matter how old, as dependent infants.
“Such parents are those who had sheltered their offspring from problems and want them to have a happy life. When this doesn’t happen, they often tend to live with them even when they can fend for themselves.”
From our interviews, it emerges that though parents tend to be protective of their daughters, the latter appear to be more independent than men and would like to be left alone.On the other hand, men who live in their parents’ homes tend to be secretive and won’t let anyone know this is the case.They are also cagey unlike women who tend to speak freely.
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The empty nest or what parents have left after their children leave home is becoming less of a problem in Nairobi and its environs.Many parents, it appears, are now worried about children who won’t go.
But many of these ‘children’ aren’t necessarily dependent on their parents but their not leaving is becoming a problem as the nest fills up with grandchildren. Some of these ‘children’ contribute to their own upkeep in their parents’ homes.
We know of parents who rented a house for their son and sent him away to live in it after he had refused to do anything for himself although he is gainfully employed.
Asked why they did this, the parents say it was to teach their sons how to be responsible.
“We want him to be an example to his siblings as he is the first born,” the mother says.But she cannot explain why, at 40, a son should live in his parents’ home while his 25-year-old sister is sent away.
Sociologists say many upper and middle class children live with their parents because they do not want to live in less comfortable neighbourhoods.
Having grown up in homes where everything was given to them, experts say, such people lack the experience with financial struggle and often feel entitled to some comfort; this is why they continue living with their parents.
But when all is said and done, there can be no doubt that unemployment, under-employment and fewer opportunities for decent livelihoods for younger Kenyans are some of the factors forcing adults to stay with their parents who continue to cater to their every need the way they did when they were growing up.
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While some parents feel modern children suffer from what they term a dependence syndrome, others feel they should let their children go only after they have the ability to support themselves.
“I can’t subject my children to suffering while I can still support them,” a Nairobi woman who lives with her three grown up sons says.
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Wafula, from Bungoma in western Kenya says every grown up should learn to take care of themselves without whining or clinging on their parents.
“They could do odd jobs and use the proceeds they collect for food, rent, fare and other needs. Isn’t this the way we all started life when we first came to Nairobi? We struggled, yes. But we never clang to the coat tails or skirts of our parents for support as they were nowhere near us. I expect modern adults who have grown up in Nairobi Metropolitan Area to do likewise,” says 70-year-old Wafula.
Experts on parenting suggest that children be taught responsibility as they grow up since shifting from dependence to independence is a lifetime process.
