Jane and Francis concentrated on pleasing each other. They were not just interested in each other, but they were also interesting to each other.
To each other, they were the most thoughtful, considerate and helpful people. Whatever one liked, the other also liked. Time spent together was fun and it was almost difficult to pull away.
But that was before marriage.
Today, with 30 years and four children to share, the couple say they have little in common other than sharing a bed.
“Francis hardly ever goes near a theatre or a concert. He hardly ever notices my grooming, let alone
thank me for the culinary art he used to say was great,” Jane says. “When I talk to him while he is watching soccer on television, he explodes, saying I should wait for a commercial break!”
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Francis, on the other hand, accuses Jane of having abandoned their shared interests among which was sports.
During a counselling session in Nairobi, an openly livid Francis said Jane should
be satisfied and grateful that he married her and is faithful to her.
“What else does she expect? She is accusing me of not being the same person she married 13
years ago. But neither is she!”
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To most people, romance is for them only if they are dating and not after marriage. And certainly not after children have come and have to be brought up.
Experts on relationships advise that for couples to remain close, they should set aside night dates and share a hobby as a relationship is cemented through doing things together as they talk with each other. They recommend that couples dress well for each other, use a little cologne or perfume to attract each other, learn to touch, embrace, hug and kiss each other whenever they can and not just at bedtime as romance lies in the imagination.
Yes, keeping romance in marriage requires effort.
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Although he has been married for the past 26 years and has two children, Francis Kijana says he still sets aside time when he goes out with his wife to discuss life and savour in the company of each other.
“We go to the coast when we can. If not, we just go out to a romantic restaurant to have a meal and bask in love. I believe romance should not end with courtship and dating. It is an every day event to lovers who care about their relationship,” he says. “Romance is for all people irrespective of age. Romance should not end with dating and courtship, but couples should continue to talk and dream together.”
He says he and his wife write notes to each other, buy each other gifts, and help each other with chores so that the other person can attend to other activities of interest.
The couple say they decided to wake up the romantic flames after their closest friends divorced.
Their little gestures to each other, they say, have rejuvenated their marriage.
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Betty and Peter say their date night is Friday.
“I get home early on this day, put the children to bed and then start preparing our favourite dish as Jane takes a relaxing bath,” says Peter.
“As I step out of the bath, he has a soft white robe awaiting me,” says Jane who is greeted with soft romantic music as she enters the cologne-scented dining room to find a well laid table.
Peter stands to offer her a seat.
They sit, dine and talk, catching up with life that has managed
to pass them by.
They look into each other’s eyes and long for the night ahead.
Sounds too good to be true?
Perhaps.
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But the lovers say it is a weekly ritual for them that has run for the past decade.
These days, says Jane, spouses are lucky if they even cross each other’s paths, let alone have time
to actually talk.
“This is why we have set aside Friday night to ourselves. And dare I add that it
is the night when I fully appreciate my being a woman.”
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Like Betty and Peter, many busy partners are now beginning to have ‘date night’ sessions to
keep their romance burning.
It may be unrealistic to sustain courtship levels of romance when immersed in the
routine of living and raising a family.
Ben and Anne, married for 10 years with two children, say since the children came, they realised
they had no time for each other.
“We have set aside a day each week in which we send the children to bed early so we can be
alone together. We light candles and have soft music in the background with lots of time to just sit
together. ”
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This is the time when they update each other on the week’s highlights, laughing at the funny ones and dealing with any serious problems that might be brewing.
To them, the date is too intimate to hide anything. But other couples never touch anything which could upset each other and spoil their time together.
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While it is advisable for a husband and wife to have a date with each other, other couples are also setting aside time to be with their children.
Says Linnet Awinja, a mother of two, “John is nine and misses the intimate one-to-one time we used to have before his three-year-old sister was born. I spend Wednesday afternoon alone with him, talking, playing cards and having tea and cookies.”
She says this is aimed at providing him with lingering memories as an adult and that he is likely to do the same with his wife and children.
“It is important that our children learn that relationships are too important to be taken lightly,”
she says. “All around us families are crumbling left, right and centre. Our children should be made
to realise that good relationships still exist.”
